salam. (:
lama xtulis pape kt sini. final dah selesai. it's the end of third semester at perak. three more to go.
i told my dad yg i xnk continue dgn QS after diploma ended. he wants solid reason(s) why i wanna give it up.
well, for me it's not a challenge anymore. i know im not supposed to think abt my future like that. tp sumpah, jemu gila tgk measurement cons tech. tmbh2 eco. ):
masa mula-mula masuk, yes sgt minat dgn course ini. sbb benda baru. but now, da sethn setgh im feeling like giving up. tp i know its more worth it staying in diploma than quiting it without any qualification except SPM. kan?
hmm for degree thingy, i consider nk take up business. maybe la. xpun QS jgk tp i xnk full time. itu je i ckp kt bapak i. i nak buat part time. PJJ eh xsilap? sbb i rasa lg berbaloi klu keja smbil bljr. my dad selalu ckp.. psl study parents akn tanggung no matter what age you are furthering it up. so klu keja smbil bljr, gaji keja tu for me lah kiranya. for me to shop, to spent. itu vision i. so hopefully, bila hari tu smpi, my dad support me. now dia ok, tp nnt he wants me to do as he says. so kena teguh kukuh pendirian.
ok done abt studies. (: lgpun cuti kn. buat ape nk igt pasal belajar.
it's been exactly 2 weeks, and 1 day i xcontact dia. ): sedih x? sedih. nak nanges bila teringat. tp what to do. aliah's right. he's not worth it. your texts yg bg smgt tu msh lg i simpn. (: pmberi smgt bila rasa nak contact dia. buat ape nak rasa down for a guy who didn't even think abt your feelings. kan?
lps hamba ALLAH ni ketuk kpla dgn kata-kata yg agak menyedarkn, dgn dia-dia skali i xcntct. (: it's hard to start a friendship with someone who walks in his social circle. gonna bump into him sooner or later since kg melayu subang dgn usj subang bkn jauh mana. and summit tu mcm tmpt lepak dia. so.. gonna be strong and tough bila finally terjumpa dia.
hamba ALLAH tu cakap i jz need attentions. loads of attentions. tu je. then i'll get over him ASAP. it's true tho. sejak i knal dia, lps hbs SPM, early 2009. i yg xpna ada boyf, xpna date, xpna ada lelaki yg care abt what the hell im doing, xde lelaki yg nk call, nk msg, nak manja2, nak gedik2. so bila he came into my life, smua jadi tunggang terbalik. i learnt hard time how to have a hard-headed boyf, plus he's freaking younger than me! but control mcm lah 10thn lg tua. -_________-
i learnt how to handle a guy like him. bcz after him, hampir smua lelaki i kenal, smua mcm tu. -__________- so i dah tau these guys aren't suppose to be my special someone. somehow. but nak ckp yg, selama dia jd my boyf, for that exactly 3 months we're together, he's a wonderful boyf. dia pndi amek hati, he called me nicknames yg smpi skrg dia panggil klu cntct dia. cuma dia je yg boleh guna nama tu. org lain guna i marah.
dia boyf yg baik. he is a nice guy, in general. cuma kdg-kdg he only thinks dia je yg ada hati perasaan. org lain kekurangan hati perasaan.
dia nak kita jaga hati dia. tp hati kita dia xjaga. i cuma boleh tahan sekejap. sebab tu kot we fought like all the time. dua-dua panas baran, bila sorg marah, sorg tengking. i guess the worst was the fighting part.
sbnrnya, i percayakn dia fully. i trust him with all my heart. yg dia kt sana, setia. i guess thts why i susah nak terima fact that he cheated. susah nak terima tht kind of blow. esp on our anni. i guess thts why i down gila lepas dia. and i guess thts why i xleh nk pcyakn lelaki like i did before.
if a guy wanna get to know me, and says he likes me. i cakap, tipu. i xleh nak pcya. ye ke dia suka? ye ke dia sayang? dulu dia pun ckp mcmtu. but he cheated. i buat jz ONE perception dalam kepala i pasal boys yg nk knal dgn i. korg sama je mcm dia. korg jz nak main-mainkn hati i. and it backfires pretty badly. i guess sbb tu la rmi last-last give up. rather be jz frnd tht taking it further. sorry ): balme him.
susah nak terima kot smpi skrg. end of my "changing boyf every now and then" period. i hate the feeling of being forced to like someone. i know tht feeling. so kpd dia, awk xpyh nak pretend awk suka sy lg. 2 bulan lepas, sy dpt dgr awk ckp awk syg sy, tu pun da cukup. skrg sy tau awk xrasa ape-ape. even if you do, i don't.
i da realized da lama da yg i sbnrnya fell for an illusion. azmer bukan diri dia yg sbnr. the true him is atai. azmer cuma cover sbb masa kenal, he knw tht i ni bdk baik. bkn a girl yg liar, yg bebas. ape smua. so he wanna be good enough for me, to walk proud beside of me. so muncul azmer. a smart, comel, style guy. yg atai tu, mcm bdk2. more adorable tho. he confessed this. bkn i buat-buat. dia yg mengaku he did this. sbb dia malu dgn the real him. which i rasa nak ketuk kpla dia dgn wedges haritu.
so bila azmer dah "mati", the feelings that exists should "mati" also la kan? so it did. i jz xnak let go the past.
now i did. thank god. (: i can smile like normal ppl. xperlu faking it anymore. i can walk freely, xpyh tkt jumpa geng dia. i can be frnd with who ever i want, without worrying abt the feeling i had for him. (:
feeling of freedom is HEAVEN! knp xjumpa perasaan ni awal? :D
its never too late to be me again. after a year and a half of depression, pill-popping and such.
i ada very high self confidence. so klu nmpk i pki baju warna warni, redha je lah. its kinda my theraphy to geet over the feeling that he planted inside of me. feeling of useless me. so saya happy skrg. sy ada kwn-kwn yg best. sy ada mak bapak yg cool.
im thankful. thank you Allah. (: for all this.
Thx for reading.
Bubye.
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